I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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