I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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