she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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