my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
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