I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
