I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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