is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
