I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
there is puke in my bra ... again
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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