I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
