If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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