So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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