Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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