How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
