Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize