my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You were trust falling into bushes
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
