Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
