2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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