At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
