What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
