Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
