I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
