If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
