I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
