I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
