Apparently you make a good broom.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
