I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
