Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
