True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
