dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
