can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
