What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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