Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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