you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
