Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
