good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
