Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
