He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
