i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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