i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
