My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
