i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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