if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
