Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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