My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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