my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
