he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
