WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
