3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I fill condoms, not promises.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
