I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
