I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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