please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
