If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
