dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
