I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
