I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
