theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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