You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
