Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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