and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
